I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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