I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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