My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
