Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Will exercising make me less horny?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
