a queef is a wish your heart makes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize