we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
