Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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