I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Acid is not a monday night drug
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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