Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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