On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
