I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
