If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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