Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
