I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I am one with the molecules
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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