I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
