did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
