Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
