so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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