I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
