I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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