and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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