I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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