dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize