Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
