I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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