Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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