i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
