We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
