So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
