Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
