you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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