Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
