that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize