just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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