$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
His hands were made for my vagina.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
