Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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