If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
