i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
