Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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