The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
