He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
my liver is dry heaving
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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