I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
