It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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