i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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