So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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