Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
