You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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