You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
