I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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