Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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