do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
