Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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