mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
