I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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