I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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