You work out of a Hotel?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
