do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
