Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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