I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
