It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
