I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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