he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
