Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
