I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize