I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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