Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
