she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
