Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
