Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Life is so much better after having sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
