she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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