i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so let's talk penis.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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