Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
