well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You ruined the universe
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
