turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize